Stand Up

The weather is changing and so am I. I have seasonal depression and winter can be a huge struggle. I cling to the happiness the holidays bring but soon after new years I find it hard to be happy.

This week has been really hard on me. I have been really dwelling on my children and how everything in the past year and a half has affected them. I can’t help but blame myself. When I see how they are affected by the fact that they don’t see dad every day or the fact that they really don’t have consistence in their life I break down. All I can think is I did this to them. It is my fault. Then I tend to over compensate for that. I protect them from things that aren’t even happening. This probably makes it worse.

I have some thing about me that I hate. Things that, yes, contributed to the ending of my marriage. I am changing, but I have seemed to hit a plateau. I want to change I want to be different but some how I still find myself doing those things. You would think that wanting it would be enough. I was so frustrated. Almost ready to give up. Almost willing to except that I am who I am and that will never change and I will never be able to have an honest good relationship

Tonight as I sat wide awake, wishing I could sleep I had some inspiration. I can’t change my past. What’s done is done and I did it to myself. I now just have to live with it. I can however change my future. I ripped my kid’s life apart once. I took them away from everything they knew. Everything that was comfort. They are just starting to get that back and I am not about to do that again.

Tonight I stand up for my self. Tonight I stand up for my kids. Tonight I stand up for the one I love. I am who I want to be. With the help of God and my new wonderful little family I can be who I want to be.