Today music is speaking to me. Cold play, Fix you. I love the lyrics.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

When I heard this song all I could think was, that was me last night. I was so tired. I couldn't sleep. I felt like I was in reverse, and I cried and cried.

Chris's life still effects me emotionally. It shouldn't..

Watching another women move into my house. The house I still owned. Taking over my kitchen my room...

Walking through that now empty house Remembering all the memories. Watching my life with chris from beging to end. Remebering the good and the bad…

I reflect on a post from Febuary. You can read it here.

I am over the fact that another women is in his life. I know I will never be that women. I don't want to be that women. It is the fact that he was my bestfriend for 8 year. He was there every day. We shared so many intamate things. Now I have to sit back and watch him share those experiences with someone else. One of those experiences happened yesterday. It was way harder for me than I thought it would be.

I know that sooner than later I will get to experience all this and more with james. It's just late at night, when he is asleep, when my kids are gone, I have nothing but myself. All alone, I tend to let my mind wonder.

Details in the Fabric Lyrics

Oh how the emotions flow. Will they ever stop. Surprises around every corner. Dark villians reminding me of the past. Not letting me forget. Reminding me of the person I was. The peson that was so shellfish the person that still is.

Willard Bay 2011

This weekend was amazing!! Friday Me and James took off to Brigham city with the kids Earlier than every one else. We spent some time with one of my best friends Randi, swimming at the hotel pool and then went out to dinner in Brigham city with her and her kids. Saturday the boys woke up early to reserve a spot at the beach and launch the wave runners. My mom and me had a relaxing morning getting he kids feed and ready and headed over around 10. It was perfect. Izaac loved the lake this year. He was swimming, playing in the sand and even rode the wave runner. Kyrie liked it but wasn't too sure about the cold water. She loved to float around in the car boat. Of course she was very interested in the food we had there. All she wanted to do was eat! Sunday we went to church with the Tanners and relaxed and played and ate dinner with them. We headed home sunday night.

The kids did really well with the hotel and loved the adventures there. It really was the best lake trip ever. I was so happy to have the love of my life with me. A beautiful change of pace from last year.

well just wanted to check in. Things have been well for us. We are preparing for a trip to Willard Bay this weekend! I am so excited. It is for my birthday and I can't wait to get out on te water and just forget about the world. I can't wait to see how kyrie reacts to the lake. Last year she was so little she didn't really know what was going on. Izaac has never liked the lake. He hates all the sand. I am curious how he will react this year. It seems this summer he has been interested in things he hated last year. Like the fireworks, he LOVED them this year. Last year he HATED them. Funny. I hope that his new attitude carries over to the lake.

Kyrie

Kyrie is 20 months old. She is all girl! She loves dresses and jewelry. She always has to have a necklace or a bracelet on. She is a drama queen approaching her terrible twos! Every thing results in a dramatic tantrum theses days.She covers her face and cries. then carefully, yes carefully throws her self on the floor.

She has the silliest personalities. She teases everyone especially her brother. Then she laughs and laughs. Her start in this world was rough but she conquered and showed us just how strong she is! If you want to read her birth story click here and her adventures after go here

She is such a determined and strong little girl. She knows what she wants and goes after it. She hates to take no for an answer and I hope that is a quality that stays as an adult. She is the only granddaughter on my side of the family so she is a spoiled princess! I love you my princess pie!

Izaac

This picture is about a year old. It was taken in June of 2010. I like it because it shows his innocent and sweet side. The animals he has in his hands are his best friends. One, he calls tigger. He has had that one since he was about 3 months old. The other is Tiggy. We gave that one to him for his first birthday hoping to replace Tigger as he was getting worn out. Unfortunately he clung to both. He loves these animals and they have helped him through so much.

Here are some pictures of his Tigger and Tiggy and one of him holding them from this year. They are well loved!

Izaac turned 4 this year. How times flies. He is one of the funniest kids I know. It seems every minute he has me laughing. He is slowly coming out of his shell. He was painfully shy this time last year. He wouldn't talk to anyone. He attended preschool this past fall/winter at challenger. They worked with him and worked with him. He made strides in the right direction socially while in school.

He is a typical 4 year old boy. He loves train, cars, and baseball. He is slowly learning to use his imagination. I catch him playing with his toys and making them talk to each other. It is so cute!

He is one of the lights in my life right now. His unconditional love has pulled me through so much! Love you Izaac Piesic!!

Me

I am Nikki. Young mother of two beautiful children. I am on the path to being a divorcee.

Divorce is hard, messy, painful, exasperating, and difficult. It has been 16months since this journey began and I don’t see the end in sight anywhere. I am currently living and breathing however.

I have recently moved to a beautiful home with my amazing Boyfriend. There we live, laugh, love and raise my two kids together. I would be lying if I told you my life with him was perfect. I believe that is impossible. Every relationship has its seasons. I am safe to say that we spend the majority of our relationship in summer, which is the best one to be in!

I never thought I could love or trust again. I never thought I would find someone more perfect for me than my ex. Boy was I wrong! He is one of the most amazing people I know. He is willing to do anything for me, my kids, and really anyone he loves. We have a lot of personality traits in common which can be problematic but for the most part I learn a ton from it.

My Ex and I are still close friends. I get along well enough with his Girl friend too. We feel it is super important that we remain friends for the kids. We may not be able to survive as a married couple but we are good friends and always have been.

Sometimes I get worried and self conscious about my kids having another mother figure in their lives. I have to remind myself that as long as I love them, support them, do what is right and live my faith all will be fine.

Every day is an adventure! I often wonder how I ended up were I am. How did my life get so scrambled? Then I remember that sometimes you have to give up the life you planned to live the life you were meant to live.