Today music is speaking to me. Cold play, Fix you. I love the lyrics.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

When I heard this song all I could think was, that was me last night. I was so tired. I couldn't sleep. I felt like I was in reverse, and I cried and cried.

Chris's life still effects me emotionally. It shouldn't..

Watching another women move into my house. The house I still owned. Taking over my kitchen my room...

Walking through that now empty house Remembering all the memories. Watching my life with chris from beging to end. Remebering the good and the bad…

I reflect on a post from Febuary. You can read it here.

I am over the fact that another women is in his life. I know I will never be that women. I don't want to be that women. It is the fact that he was my bestfriend for 8 year. He was there every day. We shared so many intamate things. Now I have to sit back and watch him share those experiences with someone else. One of those experiences happened yesterday. It was way harder for me than I thought it would be.

I know that sooner than later I will get to experience all this and more with james. It's just late at night, when he is asleep, when my kids are gone, I have nothing but myself. All alone, I tend to let my mind wonder.